The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Everything about him screamed your future.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
