i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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