I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
