After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
