theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
