I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
