oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
a search helicopter?!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
