At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
