My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
