Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
