i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
