Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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