The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
