I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
