ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
