dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
