dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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