Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
