Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
