yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
