I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
