I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
