Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
