That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
