I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
