I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
