3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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