I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
