Do you still have your period?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
