I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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