He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
