just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
