Already got asked if we're dating
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
