got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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