youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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