I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
