Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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