She's JV to your varsity
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
