I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm getting married
To pizza
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
