I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
