She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
