He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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