Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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