i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
