I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
