My room smells like vodka and shame
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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