My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
