No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
