My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
