I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
