Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
