Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Your cock deserves a montage
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
